Love Spells Pain.

This pain to endure is getting worse by day, hurtful that sometime regret and frustration are just the right descriptions that I can only think of. Yesterday felt just like our first date and now here we are again denying our feelings of the very thing that we shared together for the past months. For sometime, I have tried to hide this feeling away from him and act as calm as I can so he wouldn’t feel shaken or uneasy of my impulsive paranoia. Nevertheless, I am only human made from bones, flesh and blood. These sincere laughter and distressing tears are just another way of human expressionism towards emotions. Patience is what brought us this far, it is what we as a being always been tested of though we know the limitation of it can cause such violence and destruction. I’m confused of my own decision on whether to submit to his significant other’s request or to hold on tight to my faith and belief. This devotion I have upon this bond is slowly fading away hence admitting to their desire. I’m unwilingly nodding...reluctantly giving up…

The decision is already there, we both just have to gather all the strength we have and live on it. Suddenly, love alone is not enough for us to survive and I am just not the type of girl you fancy. Suddenly, our differences became crystal and everything reversed back to the time when a girl met a guy as total strangers, only this time the wall is strong enough to stand on its own.

Fly far away my dream

There’s a say, if there’s a will, there’s a way. I used to believe that. I used to wake up everyday and live on that understanding, especially if its regards on taking chances and having the slight opportunity to nurture the buds of happiness in my life.

These latter words of mine represent the fractions of my heart, cracked helplessly but have yet to fall to the ground. I am not surprised though, we both have well acknowledged this. But we have agreed to let time decide for it. Its not that he don’t care, I know he does only to stumbled himself into this clutter mess. I am in a mess of mind myself. Nonetheless, I refused to let paranoia take control of me; I was almost lost to them yesterday. Thanks for several people who were wise enough to slap me hard on my face with their words of reality. I owe you guys.

Why is it so hard for me this time to let the thoughts in my head to just flow away straight onto this white virtual paper? A certified psychologist once told me to learn to let things out, if I find it hard to do it verbally, write it down on a letter or on a note. At least I am not keeping all the thoughts to myself and driving myself and the people around me nuts. Well, it’s not as easy as it looks like.

Things haven’t been so good the past two days, forgive me for my harshness the other day. I failed to curb my emotions from running wild, in result of that, foolish questions and expressions came out utterly from me. Things wouldn’t turn out that way if between both are able to handle this issue more sensibly. I should have known this will happen one day, yet still we were too happy to admit it neither do I want to live in denial. We were way passed that. We both have our own stand and belief and nor toleration can be an answer to this caught up in the middle issue.

Having to be realy loved and the opportunity to love and care the person back in return is such a wonderful feeling for me. Despite all the shit that we went through and all the demoralizing pressures from the outsiders, I somehow have faith in the tenderness of your caring love. Let me secretly be on my own, for I have a quest of understanding and accepting the very concern of yours which is to always consider that love and religion is two different things.

If ya'll noe what I mean.

I watched this once when I was young, I bought the CD couple years back and it has been one of my precious keeping ever since. Basically, this movie is about a nerdish florist finds his chance for success and romance with the help of a giant man-eating plant who demands to be fed all the time. You’ll enjoy it if you are a big fan of musical movie.

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And so I submerged myself in an enchanting gold river, swam across glittering corals and various mystical sea creatures. I saw mermaids and dolphins passed me as the herd was rushing to the same place where I was going. White Christmas trees with silver shining leaves on the side of the river grew shimmering fruits on it branches. Glitters of gold and silver dust resembling the shape of snowflakes fall down from the trees making the whole place glimmer with flickering lights. Weird-looking and colorful flowers grew on the land along the sideway as I crossed the path of these breathtaking scenery. I saw a giant man-eating plant at the side; it reminds me of an old horror comedy movie back in 1986 ‘Little Shop of Horrors’ only the difference was ,the plant was wonderfully golden and look very happy when it smiled back at me. And so I kept on swimming until I reached 3 levels of building which was from my view it looked like a partitioned building which we always see in an MTV video clip. Now let me think what video clip that has that kind of build up……hmm..Sorry I can’t recall one. So anyways, there was a sexy lady grooving and dancing to the music in each of the partitioned boxes. The place is filled up with golden liquid which functioned as an equalizer moving subsequently to the beat that pumping out loud. I stepped myself into one of the boxes there and I had the most excellent and indescribable feelings I have ever experience, all that left are just unspeakable remarks that leads to drooling face expressions and funny mumbling on my own. I was thinking to myself at that point..Could this life get any better than this? I was about to questioned of my being and all sorts of unable to answered subjects when I felt my shoulder been shuddered. I opened my eyes and saw a vague image of a person calling my name and asking me to wake up, the soft voice sounded indistinctly and far as I tried to focus my vision and my hearings..After 5 minutes of adjusting all the scattered thoughts in my head to instruct my body to be conscious, I was finally back with regrets that all the wonderful things that happened just now were entirely fake. I was just halucinatting..if ya'll noe what i mean :)

Me in other way.

This simply means Anis in Chinese.

I am sorry.

Yeayy..Steamboat tonight!! I’ve been longing to feel the warmth of the steamy pot rising up to my face while dipping cute cut foods, fresh prawns and crabs and other sea creatures which I barely know their names (shit! I have to stop watching Nicklodeon and brush up my knowledge about the underworld).And so we went there last night, it’s a place called Mentari in Sunway. I asked Tasya to join us, as it would be a good idea listening to her adorable voice popping stories about guys mainly, Tasya, I have a lot to learn from u ;) It’s a 2 level restaurant serving buffet of various types of dipping ranging from sea foods, green plants, chicken, mushrooms, all sorts of noodles and so much more. Oh, they also have variety flavors of ice cream too. I ate until I can feel the tail of the prawn coming out from my throat (ok, I’m exaggerating) but yeah..I can hardly breathe only after 1 hour of dipping and stuffing, hence, He said it’s a waste to bring me and Tasya to that place when we don’t have a stomach of a compactor. And so the night went on, He still can’t stop chomping the chicken wing, damnn they have the best chicken wing in the universe. I heard Coke is one of their marinating ingredients, ah what the heck, people still will come to that place even if they urinated on it, that’s why they called it ‘secret ingredients’ maybe that explain the stomach ache I have to endure last night dragged to this morning.

It has always been a pleasure talking to his friends, having the opportunity to understand their thoughts, getting introduced to each person mentally just by listening to their stories and trying my most mannered ways to slowly synchronize myself with them. But there were times when I find it hard to be on the track with him, maybe because it’s just me personally or due to our differences and all the unfortunate things that had happened before to us, I dare not to write it in here. There were also times when I refrained myself from saying my thoughts out loud to him because I was scared he wouldn’t agree with me on certain matters or the possibility of me being inappropriately defensive towards certain issues which he doesn’t really found a big deal out of it. I wish I can read his mind; I want to know what does he think of me, did I say anything hurtful just now? Am I a shallow minded person like what he said? There are some sacred and very sensitive issues that we both decided not to talk about it, it is kept safe deep inside our ‘jar of conflict’ which I trust that the jar will be opened eventually and all the matters in it shall be peacefully dissolved. I secretly wish for that..But alas, last night happened. That was just an example of my earlier said action; I’m seeking forgiveness for it. Please understand that I would do nothing to embarrass you or even your friends. I’m sorry.

Relationship can either be stronger or weaker by time; it’s the effort that counts. We both has always been trying to minimize our differences which apparently is like the virus that seldom appear and stirring up our conversation which finally leads to a small quarrel I must say. Nevertheless, despite saying bad things to hurt each others feelings, we always managed to stop at the same point of the junction and have the same opinion on which direction to take. I am grateful for that. Please acknowledge that sometimes I’m not as one-dimensional as u think I am and I won’t give up trying to learn and analyze what it takes to work this out.

For a start.

I took the pencil on the CPU and began jotting down everything that is scrambling up in my head on the back of a rough A4 paper..I was half way writing off the page when suddenly I thought that maybe I can do a blog like what in the trend nowdays, so I did some clicking and some filling up the blanks for the registration sake....and wallah..I have my own blog.heh.Bismillahirrahmanirrahim...It's all in the brain, I always thought I'm a slow brainer. But I'm glad that I can still remember everything that have happened in my life..even way back when i was 5. Each situation and happening's processing in my head, determined by my rather unstable emotions (for now), producing hormones in my body thus, sending signals to my not so little fingers to key in the significant alphabets and spell out my thoughts clearly on this computer screen.The bosses were too busy crapping about golfs and laughing at their own jokes remembering their times while they were still in the service. This is what happen when u're working with Army Retirees, though not everyone here are like that but i'm pretty sure most of them are. The pathetic dude have no idea what I'm on to now, screw him!haha.. You'll understand why the name sooner or later.In the mean time..I have my own sweet time to start this:)..oh!i got my first reader.